The Book of Seumas

1. And it came to pass after many years that the tribe of Judah won a famous victory in only six days against the Egyptians, the Jordanians and the Syrians who had vowed to expel them from the land of Israel.

2. The tribe of the Guardianites and the tribe of Judah had theretofore been peaceful one unto the other, but dwelling as they do on the left, the Guardianites loveth the underdogs and not those who winneth wars, especially not existential ones, so they began to speak against the Judeans.

3. And it came to pass in the East that Yeltsin, the son of Gorbachev, turned his back on the inheritance of the Marxite tribe. In the West the great King Ron Reagan was triumphant and this sorely troubled the Guardianites. So they asked their Warlord Seumas what they should do. “Cleave ye to the enemies of King Ron” he said. “Get ye to the tribe of the Shi’ites of Persia. Make common cause against those who joined with King Ron, for example the tribe of Judah. Take no notice of the fact that the Persian King ImADimNutJob opposeth everything ye hold dear, such as equality for women, respect for gays, democracy and justice.”

4. Lo, behold: the Guardianites had in their inheritance in their land of Kings Place a multitude of rabid dogs, by name Berchmans, LaRit, PreemptiveResponse, Talknic, Ironsocks, Tranquil, Edwardrice, Gnosticmind, Moeran and Spectreovereurope.

5. And it came to pass that the Guardianites lost a mighty packet through buying sterling forward against the money of the great King Ron, instead of selling. Seumas was bereft and he spake unto his Counsellor, Georgina.  And she spake unto him, Seaumas, these dogs of ours, we have taken an unholy bath in the derivatives market and we can no longer afford their keepers. What say we set them upon the tribe of Judah?

6. And Seumas heeded the word of Georgina, that it was good.

7. And the Guardianite dogs verily and prolifically shat upon the tribe of Judah. And their ordure was foul-smelling and voluminous.

8. And the elders of the tribe of Judah sent a multitude of missives to the Guardianite leaders. “Your dogs have shat upon us mightily” they said. “Maybe you would be decent enough to consider sending round their keepers with a legion of chariots full of Dettol to clean up the mess?”

9. But the Guardianites only laughed, saying “You are only saying that to silence critics of Israeli government policies”.

10. And it came to pass that the congregation of the tribe of Judah held a high convocation in order to decide what to do next. And their elders suggested a plan. All the revolting stinking shit of the rabid dogs of the Guardianites would be collected up and dumped on top of their camp at Kings Place. And the congregation of the tribe of Judah gave its assent, with no naysayers.

11. And behold, Seumas and Georgina were mightily troubled to have the vast stinking shit of their ill-kempt beasts thrown back at them. It rained down all over their Office Planner with the details of all the rabid commenters who were going to bait the tribe of Judah over the next six months.

12. And the Lord “watched” all this and saw that it was good. And the heavens shook with the sound of her mirth.

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