Palestinians call for sanctions against Britain following Olympic opening; Lieberman to consider UK request to establish more Israeli settlements

A Guest Post by AKUS

A new scandal has erupted at the Olympics in Britain. Following the singing of the new British national anthem, “Jerusalem” during the opening ceremony and a plea from British Prime Minister for Israel to consider settling the poverty-stricken East End of London, the Palestinians have called for the UN to impose sanctions on Britain.

“Al-London will remain ours forever”, said the mayor of Tower Hamlets. “We were here when the Brits were painting themselves blue and swinging from the trees, and no Zionists will take Al-London from us”.

Palestinian non-negotiator Saeb (“we will only negotiate after you first agree to our terms”) Erekat pointed out that William Blake was really a Palestinian whose name was “Balak”, and the poem he wrote in 1492 was originally called “Al Kuds”. He wrote it after he invented algebra.   

Erekat added: “The reference to “did those feet in ancient times” refers to the imprint on the Dome of the Rock where Mohamed leaped onto his magic steed, and “dark satanic mills” refers to the terrible conditions under which Arabs have forced to labor for the Zionists in Palestine for centuries. Changing the name to Jerusalem from the Al Kuds, as it has been known since the time of our father, Ibrahim, will not hide the way Jews in Palestine have persecuted us for centuries.”

Erekat was imprisoned shortly after by the Palestinian Authority for revealing that Jews had been living in Palestine for centuries.

“It is time for the Palestinians to show who is in charge of Britain”, added British MP George Galloway and an aunty from the PSC who owns 23 cats. “We support the Palestinian call for boycotts, divestment, and sanctions against Britain. We call on all decent people to avoid buying mud from the Thames”.

As result of Galloway’s brave stand, a motion was introduced at the Oxford Union to debate the topic: “A British MP who calls for sanctions against Britain should have his salary doubled”. Taking the opposite approach, the Cambridge Union proposed a debate on the topic: “Mud from the West Bank of the Thames should not be boycotted in Britain”. The Cambridge motion was rejected when the mayor of Tower Hamlets shouted down support for the sale of any products from any place called the West Bank.

Israeli Foreign Minister Lieberman has been dispatched to London for urgent talks over the settlement issue. Since Britain does  not recognize the real Jerusalem as the capital of Israel” , he said, we will have to see if Mr. Cameron will accept London as Israel’s capital, or, alternatively, as seems to be the case, he prefers to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of the UK.”

Phoebe Greenwood of the Guardian reported that the Israeli government has a plan to build 800 settlements in East London. The Guardian later corrected the statement to indicate that the plan actually called for the building of one kibbutz.

Noting that the Guardian’s Harriet Sherwood has written that the kibbutz movement is making a comeback Mr. Cameron has said he will ask Mr. Lieberman to have Israel to reconsider and build 800 kibbutzim in East London, not 800 settlements. “Britain”, he said, “is in worse economic shape than the West Bank and according to the World Bank, like Palestine, its economy not strong enough to support a state”.  

In an article in the New Economist, Jonathan Freedland of the Guardian pointed out that the difference between the East Side and the West Bank is that the Judea and Samaria have hundreds of thousands of Jewish settlers. “This has greatly improved the economy, whereas most Jews who used to live in East London now live in the West Bank. Bring back the Jews to the East Side,” Freedland argued, “and you will see the area start to flourish”.

“On the other hand”, Freedland continued,” if Israel has to try to absorb 60 millions Brits that could imperil the Jewish character of the State of Israel and the original Zionist concept of Manchester as a Jewish homeland.”  The Guardian’s editors are still trying to understand his last comment and are wondering if it has anything to do with circumcision, a topic of great concern to its readers.

The Labour Party has denounced Mr. Cameron’s kibbutz initiative as a transparent ploy to get the Jewish and left-wing votes in the next election. “We supported the socialist kibbutzim when you thought the term referred to someone watching a chess match”, Ed Milliband sniffed.

Hilary Clinton and Dennis Ross have pointed out that it has been impossible get a two state solution established between Israel and the Palestinians. “How can we be expected to help the Palestinians negotiate a three state solution?” Clinton asked. Cameron pointed out that Great Britain negotiated a three state solution centuries ago, and this would actually be a five state solution. However, the head of the IRA has requested that a special UN commission be established to negotiate the inclusion of Northern Ireland into a six-state solution. Lord Peel’s great grand-daughter has offered to lead the commission.

Mitt Romney was not asked his opinion on the matter by Mr. Cameron. Nevertheless, on the flight to Israel, he laid out his plan for an Israeli leveraged buy-out of the UK. “I would break it up into its separate divisions, fire the few workers that are there, and sell off the pieces to the highest bidder”, Romney opined. “I might want to keep MI-6”. He had just finished speaking when his plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, and all the Israelis started clapping. Romney took this as a vote of support, but, in, fact, it is what Israelis do then they land safely in Israel.

Following the expansion of the proposed solution to Britain’s economic woes to a six-state solution Dennis Ross flew home in despair. As his flight was landing in Washington, the patriotic Captain piped in a rendition of “Jerusalem” followed by Hatikvah directly from the Olympic opening ceremony. The Israelis on board started clapping, thinking that they had once again successfully landed at Ben Gurion airport. The Brits on board joined in, since it was the polite thing to do. The Palestinians published an article saying that it was racist to clap after Hatikvah and called on the UN to issue a ban on playing Hatikvah on airplanes.

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