A guest post by Joe Geary
Behind the apparent long faces in public, sources close to the Iranian leadership have revealed how delighted they are at recent developments in the country. One senior ranking Iranian Revolutionary Guard official told our reporter: “At long last we have America’s undivided attention, dude. Ever since 2003 we’ve been asking themselves what on earth we’ve been doing wrong.
“We’ve been, like, seriously exporting terrorism since 1979. Setting off bombs in Argentina and Lebanon, building up Hezbollah cells worldwide, storming American embassies, whatever. And what does that asshole George Bush do? Goes and invades Iraq.”
“When the first reports came through of the Iraq invasion we were seriously, like, ‘they must have got the spelling wrong’. After all, what had that loser Saddam Hussein ever done? OK, sure, he’d slaughtered a million people, but they were all his own, so that doesn’t count, see? We do that and more, much more.
“Sure, there’ve been a few good times like when those clowns Obama and Kerry were literally, like, grovelling to us to accept all our money back if only we’d forgive the USA its misdeeds. Hilarious. But, man, they were just too easy to fool. Would you believe we promised to delay our bomb and they actually bought it? Didn’t they even see we had our fingers crossed behind our back?
“Then the new guy comes in and at first it looked promising when he ripped up the deal. Man, but then he was such a disappointment. All he seemed to care about was that pissy-little fat boy over in Korea. So we decided to try a few things to get his attention – massacres in Syria, missiles against Israel, grabbing a few ships and holing others, attacking US troops in Iraq. But nothing seemed to work, total bummer. Then Ali came up with the brilliant plan. ‘We can’t torch the American Embassy in Teheran, because they haven’t got one,’ he pointed out, ‘but they do have one next door in Iraq. Let’s trash that!
“And it worked a treat. Two days later they’d taken out Solly, who was getting, like, ancient anyway. And his funeral was all over the western media. Cool! OK, we had a couple of accidents – a few morons got themselves crushed in the funeral and some hick from the sticks shot down an airliner, but so what? We’re back in the Axis of Evil! Back in our rightful place as World Badass Numero Uno!
Long live the Revolution! Long live the Supreme Leader! And a special high-fives to Trump of the Great Satan, without whose help none of this would have happened. Hola, Big Man.”