Britain’s First Intifada?

A guest post by Geary

Throughout London, thousands of angry youths last night stormed out from the Bantustan-style patchwork of communities to which they are confined in a defiant search for fresh hope, for brighter prospects, for a newer pair of trainers.

The Police reaction was sadly all too predictable in this conflicted region of the world: Baton charges, handcuffs, even the erection of a wall of separation of plastic shields.

The Guardian’s Harriet Sherwood told us she had seen police deliberately targeting a man whose only crime was desperately defending his property – a pocketful of BlackBerrys and a flat screen TV.

The BBC’s London East editor, Jeremy Bowlegs, said:

“I saw children, some as young as eleven, being chased by gangs of police as they tried to rescue what they could of their new-found possessions.”

Baroness Jenny Wronge, spokesperson for Justice for Scum in a Permanent Rage told our reporter:

“What started as a peaceful orgy of arson and looting only turned nasty with the arrival of the Police. This kind of fascist provocation has to stop”.

The country must reflect this morning, she added, on Segregated Britain, a land where highly affluent communities live cheek-by-jowl with slightly less affluent communities.

Is it any wonder these youths react as they do when they feel under constant siege, when they suffer the daily humiliation of being stopped and searched by the authorities, when they have their most prized possessions – knives, coshes, even the occasional gun – taken from them, and when their indigenous culture of drinking, glue-sniffing and mindless thuggery is under constant threat?”

The Prime Minister, cutting short his vacation to survey the damage, promised tough measures in the future. “We have to remember,” he said “that these vermin live in open-air prisons. And that is where we intend to keep them”

Little surprise, then, that in some quarters there is talk of Britain as an apartheid state and that calls are being heard to boycott entirely innocent British businesses and academics until the tragic plight of the country’s hoodies is addressed.

The UN has called on the UK government to recognise an immediate Right of Return of vandals to their nearest shopping centre, preferably at midnight with the CCTV cameras turned off.

Iran, Syria and the Socialist Republic of Libya issued a joint statement condemning the UK government’s use of violence against its own people, although Iran is also thought to have offered to supply a consignment of cranes and nooses in exchange for the imposition of Sharia law.

Only Israel and the US has refused to comment but, when pressed, the Israeli Ambassador was heard to comment:

“We in Israel like to mind our own business. Unlike some, eh, Mr Hague?”

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